How I Met Myself
by Gadoken King
Summary: An indepth telling of how Barney Stinson became god of awesome. True Story.
1. Homecoming

AN-So this story will be a telling of the creation of the greatest man ever, Barney Stinson. The path to becoming a suited up god who tricks girls into de-robing is a lot rockier than most people can realize. Starts off at the end of Shannon's betrayal. Remember that it is in fact Barney who retells this story in the actual show, so we can safely assume all the non-awesome details maybe got glossed over.

* * *

"I'm sorry, Barney… That whole granola business, that was just a phase… Greg is older, and successful. Plus, he buys me stuff." Shannon's eyes had a flicker of guilt in them, but it was gone in that same moment. She shrugged her shoulders and walked out of the coffee shop, leaving Barney alone with his anguish. Alone, crushed, and broke, Barney realized there was only one place to turn.

* * *

"Barney? What are you doing here?" Loretta Stinson hadn't heard from her son since he had gotten out of college.

"Mom, I need to stay with you for a while… is that ok?" His eyes were glued to the floor, his shoulders were sagged, and his voice sounded hoarse, as if he had been crying or screaming for a long time.

"What happened, Barney bear?"

"I… I don't want to talk about it, ok?" He looked up at his mother, and she could see that his eyes were bloodshot.

"Of course, sweetie. You know there's always a racecar upstairs with your name on it."

He avoided eye contact as he pulled his bag into the house and wordlessly went up to his room. Loretta sighed as she watched her son walk up the stairs. She found herself thinking about the last time she saw one of her boys so devastated. James had come home broken when he left his girlfriend, finally deciding to come clean with himself about his sexual orientation. The only comfort in his world had been an understanding mother. After a few months he had pulled himself together, but it had taken a lot. Her promise not to tell Barney had been easy, neither her nor James had heard from him for over a year. She sighed as she began to wonder what had happened to her adorable little boy.

* * *

"Sweetie? Are you up? I made you a caramel sundae…" Since coming home, Barney hadn't come out of his childhood room in three days. If he was going to open up, Loretta realized she may have to do a little pushing.

"I'm not hungry, mom." The voice from behind the door didn't sound any better than when he had first arrived. Loretta knew that it was time for a little tough love.

"But it's caramel! That's your favorite!" Tough love was not one of Loretta's strong suits.

"I don't want it! Ice cream can't solve everything, mom!"

"Sure it can, sweetie! Remember when you got up the nerve to ask that girl Justine to the prom and she stood you up? I took you out for ice cream and everything was all better!"

Barney threw open the door and glared at her. "No, it wasn't, mom. She crushed me and I spent my prom night at Carvel with my mother. It was the most embarrassing night of high school!" He slammed the door, leaving his mother with a confused look of hurt. The door flew open and Barney quickly snatched the ice cream, slamming the door behind him again.

A sad groan came from behind the closed door. "Mom, there's no sprinkles on this!"

"I can run down to the store and get some! I'll be right back!"

The door opened, slower this time. "No… sprinkles aren't gonna help…"

"Are you sure? I can get rainbow and chocolate and you can mix them together…"

"Mom. Just stop. Can… can we talk?"

"Of course we can, my sweet little boy."

* * *

"And that's the whole story. She left me for some guy because he had more money than me."

"Oh, Barney… She just wasn't the one."

"Yes she was! I … I was gonna marry her one day, mom…"

Loretta sighed. "Believe me, honey. Just because you marry someone, that doesn't mean they're the one…"

Barney put down his empty ice cream goblet and shook his head. "I just feel like…. like maybe there's no such thing as 'the one'…. you know?"

Loretta reached over and put her hand on her son's knee. "I know what you mean…I thought that for a very long time. But after your father left to be on TV, I realized I had something better. I had two wonderful babies who were much better than any 'one' I could ever find."

Barney's head shot up with a glimmer of hope. "So I just need a kid?"

"No, sweetie. I just mean that the 'one' doesn't need to be a partner. You need to look inside yourself to find happiness, maybe…"

Barney stopped pulling on his ponytail as his eyes widened. "So…. I don't need to find someone to be with, I just need to find my own happiness?"

"I think that is a good place to start. You need to make yourself happy before you can worry about anyone else. What makes you happy, dear?"

Barney's face split into a sheepish grin as he picked up the empty ice cream goblet. Loretta nodded and wordlessly took it from his hands and stood up. As she walked into the kitchen, Barney leaned back and frowned. _What makes me happy…_

* * *

AN- Ok, just a quick setup here, trying to find the style for this story. Haven't written any fanfiction in like forever, so my mad skillz might be just a bit rusty. Anyhow. If I screwed anything up, (or if you like), please leave a review. That'd be awesome.


	2. The list

Barney smiled as he looked at the papers laid before him. He had spent several nights compiling a list of all the traits he wished he had. _I'm tired of being lame. These are all the things that will make me awesome…_ He thought back to something his brother had told him several months ago. "How can you help the Nicaraguans if you can't even help yourself?" Barney had omitted the obvious disdain for his fondness for the oppressed people of Nicaragua and found a message of great wisdom within. "Before you help others, you have to help yourself." And so he had decided that in order to help himself, there were certain things he would need.

_Confidence._ All his life he had heard that confidence was the key to all great ventures. If he was to be a champion, he would need to start thinking like a champion.

_Wit._ A truly great man has a sense of wit about him. He made a note to rent a bunch of stand-up comedy tapes and study them in depth.

_Money._ While Barney had felt that wealth corrupted and destroyed a man, he had finally realized that without the power to move through today's corporate world, he would be able to help no one. He needed to amass wealth.

_Style._ The people of the world today did not respond to a man dressed like a hippie. Thought it pained him to admit this, his sense of style was outdated by today's standards. He would have to find the feel of the times, and dress appropriately.

_Pizzazz. _Barney stopped and frowned. Even he wasn't quite sure what he had meant by this. He needed some sort of flair… Something that made him stand out from the rest of the regular Joe's who wanted to be as awesome as he would be. Specifics eluded him now, but he knew that when he saw it, he would know.

And so many days of frenzied compiling had led him to these five traits. These would be the things that would lead him to the greatness that he deserved. Barney smiled. "This is like something that Yoda would tell to Luke Skywalker, but Skywalker would totally not do it and Han Solo would do it and be awesome." His eyes lit up as he had a great epiphany. "I'm totally Han Solo. Nice!" He smiled and nodded to himself in the mirror as he made a solemn vow to be as awesome as the traits he had written down in his list.

AN- Okay, I know its been a bit since my first update, and I'm totally awares that this is a meager offering in return, but hey. I want to set the scene for Barney's explosive self exploration (see- next chapter and on), and I felt anything else would be too much, in some way. It was a mistake to begin a fanfiction the week or so before finals (hey….. my bad), and then I had to move somewhere for the summer, and things got a tad complicated. But I assure you, I have the time now to work on this, and I shall. (probably) (I mean, I should) (look, if there aren't any hot chicks between now and next update, for sure) (Well, let's face it, theres gonna be a few hot chicks. We'll see) (Dude, I'm totally gonna bang some hot chicks. Self high five) ….. …. … (So yeah, I'll see what I can do about an update or two. But for reals? How about a review or two? Nothing spurns a narcissistic writer on like some feedback. So I guess I should tell you guys to get with it. Damn slackers…)


End file.
